I used to be constantly longing for new adventures, new settings, new people, new experiences. I wanted life so badly, that I would squeeze every little drop of nectar out of whatever experience, I could obtain. It felt like an all-consuming hunger, that at some point, seemed impossible to satisfy. No matter how many experiences, travels, people, love affairs ect. I could fill my life with, that restlessness and over all feeling of ‘ not enough’ didn’t go away. It was like a hole, that didn’t have a bottom, so all the amazing experiences, I filled it with, just went directly out again.
Until one day, or more precisely, it was a process of moments, I realized that, I was searching the wrong place and filling my hole from the wrong direction, with the wrong things. Damn what a big AHA! And yet I believe that, this was an unavoidable and necessary part of the process. An experience we have to have, just to find out, that it is, in fact, not what we are searching for. A simple realisation of the Ego’s eternal desires, so that we can wake up and see how unfulfilling it is. It reminds me of Eckart Tolle saying: ‘Suffering is necessary until you realize that it is unnecessary’. Take a moment and think about that…
Today I praise the fact that my Ego was so insisting, as I can see, it made me pass a lot quicker through the process. As I am writing, I just back from a place, I have been on vacation various times before. Being back it really stroke me, how radical of a personal transformation, I have been through. What seemed extremely exciting to me some years ago, seems over all speaking like noise to me today. What seemed relaxing on my nervesystem at that time, seems to stress my rhythm today and all the entertainment, that had an amazing attraction on me, didn’t have any other effect, than getting me a bit tired.
Now don’t get me wrong, I still like the place and I liked my vacation there, but the big difference is, I didn’t NEED it. Just as I enjoy to have a man in my life, but I don’t NEED it. Now all of what was like necessary ‘dope’ before, is a conscious choice today, as I am no longer searching for anything outside of myself. Actually I am not even searching for anything, but instead letting life happen through me… And what a relief…!
Coming home to my apartment and enjoying a tea at my favorite cafe at the corner, made me so deeply happy. Returning to my center in all levels, has brought me a wonderful, deep felt peace. A peace, that is more fulfilling than the most ecstatic joy of a love affair or the rush of the greatest succes. To find peace is indeed the ultimate succes. It is the very state of being, that I was always searching for ( even without knowing) and that was always right here…
in my heart,
where I am home….